SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE A CODEPENDENT PARENT

The Fine Line Between Caring and Codependence

The first thing that comes to mind when we hear the term “codependent” is usually an abusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. However, this is not always the case. Believe it or not, most codependent relationships are between a parent and child, not romantic partners. In a codependent parent-child relationship, the lines between protective and obsessive, engaged and over-involved are often blurred beyond recognition. The caregiver/care-receiver nature of a parent-child relationship makes codependency particularly difficult to detect.

Here are a few signs to help you figure out whether your parent-child relationship is codependent.

1. The Codependent Parent Has a Victim Mentality

We all face obstacles in life, but the codependent parent believes that the other people in their life, particularly their children, owe them penance for the wrongs committed against them. Often this manifests in guilt-tripping behavior intended to garner sympathy from the child for negative experiences the parent has been through, with the end goal of altering the child’s behavior in a way that will somehow set things right.

This is where the problems begin. Rather than dealing with the traumas and difficulties in their own life through healthy means such as self-reflection and therapy, the codependent parent latches onto a child and demands compensation.

Compensation can take many forms. Many times a codependent parent will live vicariously through a child. For example, a mother who got pregnant in her teen years may demand repayment of the burden she faced by putting expectations on her daughter to seize advantages in life that she missed out on. A codependent father may demand that his son excel in sports to make up for his own lack of athleticism in childhood. If the child shows signs of taking their own path in life, the parent will use guilt to manipulate them into compliance.

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Rather than dealing with the traumas and difficulties in their own life, the codependent parent latches onto a child and demands compensation.

2. The Codependent Parent Is Never Wrong

In normal relationships, one party is right some of the time but never all of the time. In a codependent parent-child relationship, the parent is always right. Even when the child is an adult, the parent will refuse to approach an argument or even a simple discussion with openness to the possibility of being wrong. Instead, they will seek to impose their own view of the situation and “correct” the adult child, as opposed to engaging in a discussion where neither party is presumed right by default.

So rather than listening to the child's feelings and problems and learning about the child's personality and way of being in the world, every situation becomes a threat to parent's authority.

Even if it becomes apparent that the codependent parent is wrong, they will not apologize—or, if they do, it will come off as forced or insincere. The codependent parent requires absolute dominance over the child, and any admission of wrongdoing on their part would be a sign of weakness and an invitation to challenge their dominance in the relationship.

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In a codependent parent-child relationship, the parent is always right.

3. The Codependent Parent Is Overly Emotional

People sometimes end up crying, yelling, and giving others the silent treatment, but the codependent parent has refined these acts into an art form. When they feel that they are losing control of a situation or the upper hand in an argument, they will resort to crying, screaming, and other acts of intimidation to restore the balance in their favor. If called out on this manipulation tactic, the codependent parent will often accuse the child of being callous or insensitive, or feign ignorance altogether.

If the child cries or expresses hurt or anger, the codependent parent may get unusually angry and claim that the display, no matter how genuine, is insincere and being used to manipulate when, in reality, they are upset that their tactic is being turned around on them.

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The codependent parent has refined crying, yelling, temper tantrums, and silent treatments into an art form.

4. The Codependent Parent Never Listens

Many children of codependent parents complain that speaking with their parent is like “talking to a brick wall.” In fact, one doesn’t speak with a codependent parent as much as to them. No matter how valid the argument, the codependent parent will not be moved in their position. Instead, even when presented with irrefutable facts that would cause a normal person to reconsider and reevaluate their position, the codependent parent will either refute the facts or move onto a different argument without addressing the point being made.

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Speaking with a codependent parent is like “talking to a brick wall.”

5. The Codependent Parent Parrots Words and Phrases

Instead of listening to the child's feelings, a codependent parent will parrot, mirror, or mimic them. If the child claims that the parent is hurting their feelings, for example, the codependent parent will, perhaps seconds or even hours later, return with, “You’re hurting my feelings!” Whatever concern the child expresses, the codependent parent will find a way to turn it around and regurgitate it as their own, thus reversing the defensive and offensive roles in the conversation. If called out on this behavior, the codependent parent will ignore it, become angry, or act bewildered and confused.

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The codependent parent will find a way to appropriate the child's feelings and present them as their own, thus reversing the defensive and offensive roles in the conversation.

6. The Codependent Parent Has Mood Swings

Drastic mood swings can happen over a couple of minutes or a couple of days, but the codependent parent has the ability to rapidly shift from one mood to another. This is especially true when their manipulation tactics have succeeded in garnering the child’s acquiescence. The codependent parent may be yelling and screaming one moment, but once they get their way, they may be exuberant. Conversely, they may sulk in an effort to rebuff any guilt as a result of their power play.

For example, a mother screaming at her son for not calling often enough may eventually get him to give in and promise to call more. Once she attains what she wants, in an effort to keep her victory and her role as the victim, she may say something like, “No, never mind. I don’t want you to call. You’ll just be doing it because you have to.” Then, the son will not only have to call more, but ensure her that this is what he truly wants to do of his own free will, thus absolving her from any responsibility and guilt.

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The codependent parent will rapidly shift from one mood to another in order to avoid responsibility and guilt.

7. The Codependent Parent Must Maintain Control at All Costs

Control is the end goal of all codependent parents. Most codependent parents expect a level of devotion and love from their children that is unhealthy and unnatural, intended to make up for that which they lack in other relationships. Often the codependent parent wishes to garner from their child the love and/or attention they failed to receive from their own parents. This creates a dramatic role reversal of the parent-child relationship and turns it into a vampiric dynamic rather than a mutually beneficial one.

Whatever it is that the codependent parent seeks to gain by controlling the adult child, when it becomes clear that they won’t succeed, a meltdown will often ensue. If the parent controls with guilt by appearing frail and playing the victim card, they may become suddenly venomous and aggressive when the adult child refuses to give them what they want. Conversely, a codependent parent who controls through subtle manipulation and passive-aggression may suddenly become dominant and plainspoken.

It is important to remember that these dramatic shifts in the face of lost control are not a mood swing or an “episode.” Instead, the codependent parent is revealing their true nature as opposed to the façade they must maintain in order to keep things going their way. Once there is no hope of getting their way, this façade will become useless and be easily stripped away.

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Often the codependent parent wishes to garner from their child the love and/or attention they failed to receive from their own parents.

8. The Codependent Parent Manipulates – Subtly

The most effective form of manipulation is the kind that you can never be called out for directly. Examples include the silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, denial of wrongdoing and projection, among others. The codependent parent will leave the child in a state of confusion, wondering who really is “the bad guy.”

Often, the parents will be genuinely unaware of their own manipulation. Many codependent parents truly believe that they are doing what’s in their child’s best interest and execute some of the most unsettling control tactics and manipulative power plays with simultaneous mastery and obliviousness. In fact, when called out on their manipulation with specific examples, the codependent parent will often be genuinely and deeply hurt and bewildered.

In fact, the codependent parent does not usually manipulate because they wantto; they manipulate because they have to. They simply don’t know any other way to communicate with the adult child who is beyond their direct control. Thus, they will manipulate with finances, emotion, guilt, and any other tool at their disposal to maintain the imbalance of the codependent relationship.

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Examples of things codependent parents will use to subtly maintain power:

guilt trips,

the silent treatment,

passive-aggression,

withholding (of money, time, or affection),

denial of wrongdoing,

and projection, among others.

So You Have a Codependent Parent... What Should You Do?

This is not an exhaustive list, but it does cover the basic signs and symptoms of codependency to watch out for. In my experience with my own codependent parent, many of these are hard to recognize but, on closer inspection, they deviate significantly from the norms of a healthy parent-child relationship.

There is no single, quick, or easy way to deal with a codependent parent. It depends on the individuals as well as the severity of the codependency within the relationship. In some cases, the only thing the adult child can do is sever ties with the codependent parent completely. In others, carefully imposed boundaries, discussion, and family therapy can be used to maintain a healthy relationship for both parties.

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Many codependent parents truly believe that they are doing what’s in their child’s best interest.

HOW TO CHANGE THE WORLD IN 24 HOURS

As a child, we often got told to make wishes. Blow out your birthday candles, make a wish. Its 11:11, make a wish. If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?The most common answer for a child is a pony; a bike; a holiday to Disneyland. However, as we grow older we desire more global outcomes such as the end to world hunger, the need to achieve world peace, the wish to have a healthy body and mind…

What if I told you these wishes can come true? They could come true today. Just by changing your diet.

Every day 2.6 million cows are slaughtered for meat at a weight of 1,250 pounds (lbs). For every 1 pound of meat, a cow must eat 6 pounds of corn. This means that every day a 19.5 million pounds of corn is fed to cows worldwide. The US alone could feed 800 million people just by giving grain to starving people, instead of force-feeding cows which will die within 18 months of birth.

In fact, in 2011, 883 million tons of corn and 260 million tons of soybeans were grown globally. However, 50% of corn and 80% of soybeans were fed to livestock rather than the 925 million people who face hunger and starvation each day.

My question is: why are we allowing children, women and men to starve just to satisfy our dietary wishes?

Despite popular beliefs, animal products (meat, dairy, eggs, ect) are not healthy. By avoiding meat, you can lower the risk of cancer, lower the risk of heart disease, and lower the risk of kidney/gallstones. Not only that, but meat can carry diseases due to the disgusting conditions animals are kept in. Antibiotics are pumped into the livestock’s feed in attempt to avoid such diseases, however this also affects the consumer of the meat by causing a development of intolerance to antibiotics, making it more difficult for doctors to cure illnesses in humans.

As for dairy, we’ve all been told to drink milk for strong bones, however, studies show that we’ve all been lied to. Instead of providing calcium for developing bones, dairy does quite the opposite. Dairy is the leading cause of osteoporosis; this is because animal products, especially dairy, produce poisonous by-products when broken down which causes problems with digestion due to the body’s attempt at buffering the toxins before eliminating them. Put simply, humans are not supposed to drink cow’s milk. If your dog had just had pups, would you take her milk and pour it on your cereal? If your cat had just had kittens, would you take her milk and pour it on your cereal? If a chimp just had a baby, would you take her milk and pour it on your cereal? No? Then why do you take a cow’s milk?

And eggs? They cause high cholesterol. Enough said.

Not only are the physical benefits better for your health, but so are the mental benefits. Studies have shown that those who avoid eating animal products have lower stress levels and it also aids in lowering anxiety levels and depression.

What’s not to love?

By changing your diet in just one day, you can drastically improve your health, contribute to ending world hunger and join the fight for world peace by not taking part in the ruthless slaughter of animals.

WHY DO PEOPLE CUT THEMSELVES

What is cutting?

If you are reading this article, are are most likely interested in finding out about teenage cutting, and more importantly, 'why do people cut themselves'? Cutting is a destructive habit that involves self-injury and self-harm. People who cut often use sharp objects such as needles, knives or razor blades to cut or scratch their skin to the point of bleeding. People most commonly cut in body parts that can easily be hidden, such as the inner wrist and the thigh, but the inner palm, stomach, legs are also common areas. You will notice that people who cut are most likely to be seen in long-sleeved shirts or tops and full length pants, even though the weather may be hot. They do this to hide their wounds, or scars that are formed when their wounds heal. You will also find that teenage cutting is quite common in today's world. You might be wondering, 'Why would anyone want to harm themselves?' and 'Why do people cut themselves, anyway?" Cutting is a serious mental disorder and is often done impulsively without forethought. After cutting, people often feel ashamed and wish they had not done it in the first place. However, as an addiction, people find themselves going back to cutting. This is especially true for teenage cutting.

Why is cutting addictive?

Once people start cutting, they find that they cannot stop. They may say to themselves, "This is the last time, and then I won't do it again," or "I can always stop when I want to," or "I have control over this, I can stop whenever I want to." This is how teenage cutting becomes addictive. The person believes they have the control and can stop when they want to, but this is seldom the case.

Starting to cut and feeling a strong urge to do it over and over again is compulsive behaviour. It is habit forming and is fatal. Just like any other addiction, people who cut start associating the act of cutting with the temporary relief that they get.

To make it clearer, think of people who are binge eaters. They know that compulsive overeating is bad for them - but over time, their minds begin to associate binge eating and the relief it provides them as a way to escape intense emotions or disturbing memories.

Similarly, the minds of those who cut start making a connection between cutting and their childhood abuse to the temporary relief that cutting brings as a means of escape and false deliverance. This is one of the reasons that answers your question, "Why do people cut themselves?"

But cutting only provides temporary relief for less than 5 minutes. Once that numbness from cutting elapses, you immediately look down and see what you have done, only to find yourself in disappointment, disgust, more pain and shame.

What group is more likely to cut?

Many people who cut themselves are in their preteen to teen stages; but many carry this habit to adulthood as well. It has also been found that girls are more likely than boys to cut themselves. Teenage cutting is a growing problem in society today thanks to increasing divorces, disfunctional families and negative messages bombarded through media.

Why do people cut themselves?

Now you may be wondering why anyone would ever want to injure themselves and cause pain to themselves. Indeed it may seem unfathomable that anyone would deliberately pick up a sharp object to cause harm to themselves. Many people who cut themselves do this as a way of coping with situations in their life that they think are too stressful or painful to bear. Of course, cutting is not the best way to cope with life's troubles at all. Cutting does not help solve the problem at hand - if anything, cutting only adds on to the problems one already has.

When I was in high school, I had a friend who used to cut himself. He would mostly use needles, sometimes fountain pens to sharply indent his skin to the point where he forms deep cuts that left behind pink scars. On the outside, he seemed like a very social, happy and outgoing person but when he went back home, he would occasionally cut himself. It was his way of coping with all the pressure that was on him from his family, who expected him to get straight A's and his friends, who expected him to constantly be 'cool' and 'in with the gang'. Obviously, cutting himself was not the right thing to do, but as a young teen, that was something he did that made him feel better - but only temporarily.

Reasons Why People May Cut

So, why do people cut themselves? There are various reasons why people cut themselves. Below are some of the reasons;

1. Some people cut to get 'relief' from pent up feelings. Cutting gives them a false sense of respite from their mental stress or emotional problems.
2. Cutting may give them a platform to express intense feelings such as depression, rejection, anger, betrayal or confusion.
3. Curiosity. There are some people who are led to cutting simply by curiosity. Ever heard the saying "Curiosity killed the cat"? Well, as much as curiosity can be a good thing, in this case, it does not lead to any benefit at all. At first, they may try out cutting as a harmless innocent thing, but this is addictive and compulsion to cut may cause life-threatening situations. As teens are in a stage of exploring and are more curious in that stage of life, they are more likely to indulge in dangerous habits such as smoking, drinking and self-injury through cutting.
4. Emotional abuse or physical abuse may cause some people to close off the outside world and become reclusive. In this state, they may resort to cutting.
5. Adding on to the above, many victims of emotional and physical abuse often feel 'unclean' and 'disgusted' with themselves that they cut themselves as a way of punishing themselves. Most such victims feel that it was their fault that some one physically or mentally abused them and so they punish themselves for their 'crime' by cutting or self-injuring themselves.
6. Self-hatred. Many people who cut themselves do not appreciate themselves or their bodies. They find themselves to be 'ugly' or 'fat', and in a desperate situation, they harm themselves by cutting, to get a quick fix for their problem. If they learn to love themselves, they wouldn't dream of deliberately harming themselves.
7. Too much pressure or stress can cause teenagers to resort to cutting. You would be surprised to know that many teens who cut themselves are actually honor studentsReasons why peop

How can you help someone who cuts themselves?

Stopping the habit of cutting is not an easy thing for someone who has already begun cutting.

1. Encourage them to indulge in a productive and healthy hobby. Inform the person that there are other ways to get rid of emotional burdens and societal pressures. Dealing with emotional pain and stress can be daunting but cutting is not the solution. Help them find healthier ways of occupying themselves such as photography or scrapbooking, which is not only fun but is also a great way to express oneself.
2. We care about you. Show them that there are people who care for them. If one of your friends is cutting, show them how much you care for them and how much you wouldn't want them to get hurt or lose them. They may realize that there are so many people who care for them after all, and out of compassion for all those who love them, they may leave cutting.
3. Get them to exercise. Helps strengthen the immune system and boost up good hormones in the body such as seratonin, which help you feel content and relaxed. Exercise is not only a way to keep busy and occupy yourself, but is also a great way to tone up, get fit and improve general well being. Most especially for teenagers, exercise does not have to mean hitting the gym and walking on the treadmill for an hour - you can make 'exercise' fun by engaging in any sports activity such as swimming, tennis, volleyball or soccer.
4. Get them to join a club. Find out what they like. For example, do they like wildlife? If they do, they can join a wildlife club. Do they like crafts? Get them to join a crafts club. Joining a club can enable them to be surrounded by like-minded people and this can make them feel more secure and comforted. Many teens who feel awkward or like the odd one out at high school can find solace in the like-minded people that they may meet in these clubs.
5. Charity. Serving the community and taking the time to help out needy people by helping them build houses etc can do wonders for anyone. When I was in high school, we had a week of community service where we joined a local charity organisation to help a poor community build permanent structures to dwell in. Just helping to lay a few bricks and interacting with the people, was a life-changing experience. It helps you to see that there are people out there who are less fortunate than you. It helps you become more grateful and more appreciative of your life.
6. Talk about it. Many teens cut in secret and may be very afraid to tell an adult about their cutting. Improving your relationship with your child can help them be more relaxed and friendly with you such that they can feel free to share with you. Talking about problems is a good starting step to get your child/friend to stop cutting. 'Problem shared is problem solved.' However, please ensure that you don't came across as too domineering or pushy, else you make the person become even more reclusive and uncorporative.
7. Councelling. Many people who are cutting are doing so because of deeper and more complex issues such as childhood abuse or physical torment. Getting them to see a professional therapist can help them to receive qualified treatment and healing to solve the root cause, such that they can stop cutting.
8. Writing. Writing is a great therapeutic tool that can help relieve tension and pain. Encourage your child/ friend who is cutting to keep a diary to record their observations and thoughts during the day. Poetry is also a great means of expressing ones creativity or locked up emotions, and watching your poem take shape is a rewarding and fulfilling experience, rather than cutting and harming yourself.
9. Join a support group. Joining a support group can help a cutter feel that they are not alone. In a support group, they can share their personal stories and get to hear the stories of other such people. This can help them gain strength and confidence to stop cutting. Online support groups are very convinient and also provide privacy. Here are 3 helpful online support groups; a) Experience Project: I can't stop cutting; b) Support Groups.com - Cutting; c) Daily Strength.com - Self Injury.
10. Learn to Love yourself. If you want to help your friend or child who is cutting, one important thing to do is to get them to love themselves unconditionally. Loving oneself means that you would not hurt yourself in anyway or cause yourself any pain deliberately. Many people who cut themselves are sensitive compassionate souls, who would never hurt another human being. Get them to see themselves and their own bodies as their 'friends'. Ask them, would they hurt a friend? The answer would most definitely be 'no'. If they treat themselves like friends, they would find it easier to not cut.

HOW I HELPED MY DAUGHTER OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

How it all began

As a parent your biggest concern is for the health and welfare of your child. When they are growing you are constantly watching them make mistakes. You try to help them as much as you can, yet you need to let them make some mistakes so they can learn. Sometimes they get in deeper than anyone realizes and it will be up to you to help them out of that pit they have dug for themselves.

Young women who are headstrong can be particularly difficult since you, as a good parent, have encouraged them to have a mind of their own. As they grow into young adults they will continue to push the envelope with you. There are times to stand back and times when you need to step up. This is about one of those times that I had to step up as a parent.

Unbeknownst to me, my 16 year old daughter met a man. She kept him a secret from me, I later learned that it was partially his idea to hide his identity, until her 17th birthday. In our State 16 is the age of legal consent, but 17 makes her an adult.

Normally I am a very attentive Mother, and try to keep aware of my children’s activities. During this time my own Mother was terminally ill, so my attention was very much divided. My daughter was no angel, so she took full advantage of my inattentiveness. When I asked her who she was going with she answered it was a boy from school. What made it easier is that she also had a willing partner in her deception, who was unwilling to meet me.

The man she met was 16 years her senior, he was 32 years old! I discovered this ’affair’ one early morning when a woman called accusing my daughter of being a ’home wrecker’. I was aghast at this accusation. Imagine my surprise to learn my daughter had been seeing this man who was in a relationship and had 2 daughter’s of his own.

Rather than push her away, by demanding she stop seeing him, I decided to see where this was going. For all I knew he was a perfectly decent individual, and the prior relationship was over. My motto has been to watch and learn rather than jump to conclusions

The beginning of the abuse

Shortly after the relationship came out in the open, my Mother passed away. My daughter took advantage of my grief to move out of my home. Her and her ’new’ boyfriend moved into an available room of the home my older son was living in. I thought at least there was someone to watch over her, should anything happen. ’Anything’ happened quicker than I had imagined.

My son informed me that there was a lot of screaming and yelling between the two of them, he was hoping they would move out soon. My daughter came over shortly after, by herself with a very swollen and bruised elbow. When I questioned her she said “It’s nothing, I fell’. I knew better, just one of those ‘mom’ things.

I began to wonder how this man was making his money, he didn’t have a job. I soon found out just what his ‘job’ was. He was a drug dealer. Just great. Fantastic. Here I had spent all these years trying to teach my daughter that hard work and a good education will get her places in life, and this scum of the earth is showing her otherwise. He was promising her grandeur. A home of her own that he was going to buy for her etc…

She was entering her senior year in high school, my hope was that she’d finish it. He was telling her otherwise, he told her she didn’t need to finish school to get ahead, all she had to do was listen to him, he would guide her through.

The fighting continued, then they moved back into the home that he had shared with the mother of his 2 daughters. How cozy was this? The fighting escalated. She would come home crying, he was telling her that she couldn’t come see me, she’d leave anyway and by the time she got here the phone would start ringing. He was calling to yell at her, calling her names, in general screaming at her on my phone.

The abuse was obvious to us

We kept her cell phone turned on so at least we could reach her if we needed to, and we also made her car payments and kept up the insurance. This was so she always had a way out. She had a job, so I knew she was at least getting away for a short time. The proverbial sh*t hit the fan one day when I called her phone and he answered, telling me that she was at work. I drove by and her car was at his house, yet she was at work. I was not going to pay for a phone that she couldn’t use, nor pay for a car that he wouldn’t let her drive.

I made my decision. I went to my local police department and filed a report against him. They basically told me there was nothing I could do, she had to be the one to file any reports. I then told them of his drug dealings, that not only was he selling it, but growing it as well. I told them all they had to do was drive by and smell it, it permeated the air.

After this man threatened my son and his friend with a gun, my son also filed a report with the State police. Shortly after that my husband also filed a report. Some how, some way we were going to get something done.

My daughter would try to leave him only to have him take her things and refuse to give them to her. One time he claimed to be throwing all of her clothes out the window of his vehicle in a nearby town. If she wanted her things she had to go get them, she went. They met at a local Burger King. The arguments began, he hit her in the mouth. I tried yet again to file a report, to no avail, she had to do it. Then a thought came to me, I called our local child protective agency. Since she was under the age of 18, she was still considered a child to them, and she was living with him. I was able to file a child abuse case against him. When he found out who it was that filed a complaint against him, he began to threaten my life. I tried to get him to hit me, I was a full grown woman, not a teenager, I wanted to show him a thing or two. I could never get him to lift a finger against me, I guess it was easier to pick on a young girl.

Shortly after this there was a raid on the home, he was busted. All of our attempts worked. It was frightening for my daughter, but something needed to be done. I thought for sure she would come home permanently after this. He had some hold over her that she didn’t feel she could tell me about.

Soon I found out that my daughter was pregnant. I was not delighted to say the least, this was not how I wanted my first grandchild to enter the world, with everyone at odds with each other.

At the time of my mother’s birthday, though she had passed, my dad felt that we needed to remember her in our special way. He invited us girls to dinner. Apparently this was not something the ‘boyfriend’ wanted to happen. As she was getting dressed he didn't approve of the clothes she had chosen, he felt she looked like a whore. These were some of the normal terms he used on her. He began to beat her in earnest just prior to me picking her up. He was attempting to cause a miscarriage by kneeing her in the belly. As she was trying to leave he was kicking in the doors of her car to stop her. She tried retaliating by breaking the window out of his car. When I got there, her face and neck were red and bruised from his punching her and trying to choke her. I wanted him to come off the porch, to show me just how much of a man he was. I knew the law, if I went on the porch I would be the one to go to jail. As it turned out, he filed a complaint against my daughter. She filed a complaint against him, nothing ever came of that.

She went back to him yet again. This type of thing was to continue until it seemed that every family member had gotten involved. My youngest son came to her defense the day after Christmas, when 'he' decided early in the morning to pick a fight. He wanted sex and her being pregnant and not feeling well, didn't. It was either rape or run, she chose to run. She was running away from him, and he was trying to run her over with his car. He had seen my son show up and hid nearby, when my son got out of his truck he attacked my son with a 2 by 4. Eventually my son got the better of him and he ‘gave up’. They got their ‘own’ place later that day, after he convinced her that he loved her and just wanted to 'show her a little lovin'.

I was afraid for her, the apartment was on the second floor. I just 'knew' one day he would get so outraged and push her down the stairs. When I told her my fears she just laughed them off, saying "No, he never do something like that".

The fight that opened her eyes

This was beginning to wear on the members of my family, but we were determined not to give up on her. She would call crying, we would go get her. He would yell and threaten us, but he never lifted a hand to my husband or myself so the police would do nothing.

One day I took my daughter with me to a friends baby shower, it was a girls day out. He didn’t like that, he had been trying to separate us for some time now, but I was determined to be there for her no matter what. I felt it deep in my heart that this wasn’t going to last and someone was going to have to help her find her way out. On the day of the baby shower he started calling her demanding that she return home, within an hour of leaving. He was calling her names and threatening her and anyone within hearing distance.

She felt that this time it was enough, she was going to be done with him. She had to return home to get her dog and a few of her things. She was after all 7 months pregnant by this time. I didn’t feel comfortable about her going alone, I remembered each and every time he got her alone a fight would ensue. When she got there, she discovered that he had been torturing her dog, the pup was about 4 months old and he had her locked in the cage, while he was kicking it. The cage was bent up fairly good, he had gotten angry that she wasn't there and took his anger out at the dog. I had sent my oldest son to follow her. She didn’t know that he was following her, and it was a good thing he did. By the time he showed up, there was a lot of screaming coming from the upstairs, and a rapid decent from my daughter. This monster pushed her down the stairs.

To say that my son is a large man is putting it mildly. He removed the door from it’s hinges with brute strength and used it to push his way into the apartment. The police were called and the monster thought for sure my son was going to jail. He thought wrong. My daughter spent the night in the hospital, he spent the night in jail. After being on the monitor for several hours the Doctors felt that she and the baby were fine.

It takes a while for drug cases to come to court and his day finally arrived. I was going to be there to hear what was said about the drug charges. When I heard that the Judge was might let him off with no more than a slap on the wrist, I dug in my heels and decided that something needed to be done.

I started doing my homework. I did research on him and discovered that he had been in prison years before in another state, yet I listened to him tell the Judge that he had never been in trouble before. He not only had served time for drug charges but also contributing to the delinquency of minors.

I started asking questions of my other daughters. I soon discovered that he had provided most of the friends with not only pot, but also alcohol and cigarettes. I got all of my ducks in a row, and wrote a nice long letter to the Judge, detailing everything I knew about him.

The prosecution also informed us that he was trying to pin all the charges on my daughter, because she was a minor with no criminal record her punishment would be kept to a minimum. I was not going to allow this to happen. I was able to prove to them that he had been doing this for years via photos on myspace.

My letter had an impact on the Judges decision. I was called to court to testify along with several other young people, my daughter included. He had told her that she was to lie on the stand, and tell the Judge that I was crazy and controlling. Apparently somewhere along the line, I had taught my daughter well, she refused to lie. The Judge decided that some jail time would be appropriate, along with 5 years of probation. Finally my daughter would be free of this monster. It took several months of him trying to malign me through letters for her to see what he was doing, but she managed to free herself from him eventually.

His hold on her? Unknown to either of them, it was something that I already knew about, but I was waiting for her to tell me of her own volition. Once it was out in the open and he no longer was able to hold that threat over her head, she was able to break free of his control of her.

My grand child was born and he is a delight, his father never really had an interest in his well being and is not a part of his life. As far as we can tell, this is no great loss.

If you find that one of your children is in a similar situation, don’t give up on them. Be there for them at all costs, eventually it will pay off.

HOW TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF

Describe Yourself for Online Dating, Job Interviews, Resumes and More

Learning how to describe yourself accurately is something we usually have to put some effort into. This seems to be especially true in most western cultures where being honest about our skills, qualities, and attributes can be confused with being arrogant, "blowing your own trumpet," and being excessively self indulgent.

If we do learn to describe ourselves, we can often forgo self confidence training by being our own confidence guru and simply acknowledging and appreciating our own positive qualities.

It's OK to Know What Our Positive Qualities Are...

From my experience of delivering training programs and seminars on improving confidence and self esteem, whenever participants are asked to state just five of their best qualities, a hushed embarrassment usually fills the room. Then, "I don't know" is the most common response.

Conversely, we're all a lot better at listing our faults and failings and can get onto that task without any difficulty. It's like most of us haven't even dared to think about the question, "What's good about me?" -- if that's you, then it's even more important that you read this

Words to Describe Yourself (Adjectives)

Because we can all identify with 90% of these adjectives in some situation or other, I suggest picking 10 - 15 words that describe how you are most of the time, regardless of the situation. It might be helpful to think about who are you when you are on your own, doing your own thing. There will be very few other people who will identify the exact same combination, because we're all different

Ready? Scroll down for list of 180 adjectives to help you describe yourself.

Positive Qualities

Inventive	Exciting	Thoughtful
Powerful	Practical	Proactive
Productive	Professional	Quality
Quick	Balanced	Achiever
Knowledgeable	Leader	Literate
Logical	Initiator	Original
Outgoing	Particular	Patient
Active	Positive	Consistent
Compassionate	Incredible	Independent
With integrity	Mediator	Emotional
Cheerful	Forgiving	Sensuous
Generous	Sporty	Devoted
Candid	Rebellious	Cooperative
Industrious	Interesting	Racy
Meditative	Understanding	Quirky
	Quixotic

Honest	Assertive	Attentive
Direct	Broad-minded	Committed
Conscientious	Dynamic	Hard worker
Persistent	Mature	Methodical
Motivated	Objective	Tenacious
Sociable	Friendly	Realistic
Reliable	Resourceful	Respectful
Responsible	Creative	Confident
Traditional	Trustworthy	Unconventional
Unique	Ecclectic

More Positive Qualities

Optimistic	Accomplished	Adept
Analytical	Articulate	Artistic
Self-disciplined	Controversial	Individual
Tolerant	Naive	Green
Unselfish	Sophisticated	Stable
Strong	Successful	Tactful
Talented	Team player	Fun
Intelligent	Changeable	Passionate
Intense	Intuitive	Upbeat
Vibrant	Funny	Constructive
Customer-oriented	Dependable	Direct
	Loyal

Competitive	Political	Social consciousness
Modest	Courageous	Enthusiastic
Enterprising	Entrepreneurial	Facilitator
Focused	Genuine	Open-mindedness
Wise	Sensitive	Sense of humor
Sensible	Sincere	Skilled
Solid	Communicative	Helpful
Fast	Responsible	Results-driven
Results-oriented	Self-reliant	Organised
Knowledgeable	Logical	Personable
Pleasant	Flexible	Adaptable
Persuasive	Perceptive	Insightful
Trustworthy	Easy going	Good listener
Imaginative	Warm	Ambitious
Diplomatic	Curious	Leader

How Do I Describe Myself?

Perceptive	Down to earth	Open-minded
Knowledgeable	Logical	Analytical
Quick learner	Genuine	Warm
Inventive	Rebellious	Generous
	Insightful

Your List of Positive Qualities

So, how did you get on? How does it feel to identify your positive qualities? Good, I hope! Put some practice into learning how to describe yourself and you will find an increase in self esteem and confidence and probably an improvement in your relationships too!